How to Forgive [3 Steps to Take]

Through the story of Joseph, we learn that God not only saved Joseph’s life, provided for him in his darkest moments, and delivered him from the pit, slavery, and imprisonment but God did what we would consider impossible: he reunited and restored Joseph’s relationship with his family. How? Through the power of forgiveness. In this Bible study, we’re looking at the life of Joseph to learn the 3 necessary steps we must take to find the freedom to forgive.

Last month I read the book “The Bait of Satan” by John Brevere. I highly recommend this book by the way. It’s about how the enemy uses offense to trap, trick, and deceive believers. And if you’ve seen our cancel culture of today, offense is everywhere. Everyone is offended by everything! What many fail to realize, even believers, is that offense is one of the major traps the enemy uses to keep us in bondage to resentment, prolonged anger, self pity, division and more. So how can we break free from the trap of offense? Forgiveness. We may have believed that offense is overcome by waiting for someone to apologize, to get their act together or turn back the hands of time to erase the event that offended us in the first place. But we have no control over other people, their actions or the past. But we do have control over our response to what happens to us. And if we want to overcome offense and truly live the free lives Christ died for us to live, at some point in our lives we will need to extend forgiveness.

Now I get it, it’s not easy at all. Maybe it even feels impossible. But like I always love to remind you, with man yes it’s impossible but with God all things are possible. (Luke 18:27)

I’m reminded of someone in the Bible who faced the seemingly impossible task of taking the high road and forgiving those who offended him in a very personal and evil way. His name is Joseph and you can find his testimony in the book of Genesis.

Joseph was Jacobs favorite son. This favoritism was confirmed when Jacob gave Joseph a robe of many colors. Jacob was very pleased with Joseph, but Joseph’s brothers were not. They were very jealous of him. When Joseph told his brothers about a dream he had where they were all bowing down to him, their jealousy reached a tipping point and they planned to kill him. At the request of one brother, they decided not to kill him but stripped him of his robe and left Joseph for dead in a pit. Soon however they saw Ishmaelite travelers passing by and decided to sell Joseph to them, who then sold him to an Egyptian named Potiphar.

Eventually however, Potiphar's wife lied on Joseph, saying he tried to molest her and he was sent to jail. As you can see things continue to spiral downward for Joseph, but thought out his story we read:

One day the Pharaoh was looking for someone to interpret a dream he had and Joseph was recommended to him. Joseph explained to the Pharaoh that his dream meant a drought was coming and they would need to prepare. Amazed by Joseph’s discernment and wisdom the Pharaoh promoted to second in command in all of Egypt.

Now it appears God had completely turned Joseph’s entire situation around. From the pit to the palace. From slavery to honor. From rejected to promoted. It’s interesting how no matter how much we accomplish externally, internal battles can still wage war within us. 

Joseph’s promotion could not heal the pain he endured at the hands of his brothers.

The acceptance of Pharaoh could not make up for the lost time with his father.

His new position could not replace the hurt of rejection from His own family.

When we look at the story of Joseph, we often look at it like his journey to the palace somehow made up for all the pain he endured. We often mistakenly look to the physical to somehow restore the emotional or spiritual pain we endure. We look at Joseph’s story and think that God redeemed his loss by raising him in power and authority in Egypt but if we think that, we miss the greatest blessing God gives him.

In today’s text we read that God not only saved Joseph’s life, provided for him in his darkest moments and delivered him from the pit, slavery and imprisonments but God did what we would consider impossible: he reunited and restored Joseph’s relationship with his family.

Remember now, Joseph’s brothers wanted to kill him and he knew this. They sold him like property and it was their evil and hatred that led Joseph into the pit and slavery and imprisonment that God had to free him from in the first place. 

Now some of us may not speak to someone for the rest of our lives for one insensitive thing they said to us. We may hold a grudge against someone who looked at us the wrong way or be ready to fight to tooth and nail against the stranger who cut us off on the way home from work.

I want to propose to you that the greatest miracle in the story of Joseph is not his rise in power, or that his dream does come to pass but that he finds the strength to forgive his brothers, he finds the power to live free of offense and the bitterness and resentment it requires the offended to carry.

Today’s study is called: God Meant it for Good: Lessons from Joseph on finding the freedom to forgive.

We’re looking at Genesis 50:15-21 that reads:

How Joseph found the Power to Forgive

When I think of the story of Joseph, I always think of his rising in power. I think of his “started from the bottom now we here” testimony. But as I read his testimony again for this study something else stood out to me that I could not ignore: Joseph wept. Through Joseph's tears we learn that the first step toward forgiveness is grieving what was lost.

1. Grieve What Was Lost

In the text I just read, this is the forth time Joseph wept about his brothers. After rising to power, his brothers traveled to Egypt to see about getting food because there was a drought in the land. Egypt was prepared because Joseph correctly interpreted the Pharaoh's dream and stored up for such an occasion. When Joseph saw his brothers in Egypt they didn’t even recognize him but he knew exactly who they were. Four times the Bible records that Joseph wept, loud and bitterly.

See, as I mentioned before, his rise in power was not the complete resolution of his story. Joseph carries a deep heart wound that followed him from the pit, to slavery, to prison and yes even to the palace. We can’t run from our brokenness and healing is not found in accomplishments. If we want to find the power to forgive, we must grieve what was lost. If you lose a job you can get another one. If you lose money you can make more. I’m not talking about the loss of things that can be replaced. I’m talking about truly healing from what will never be returned. Joseph lost years with his father, he lost growing up with loving brothers, he lost having an affectionate family that loved and supported him and that time cannot be replaced. 

Forgiveness of what can be replaced feels possible. But forgiveness of what can never be replaced feels impossible. So we’re tempted to act like we aren’t hurt, like it doesn’t matter and ignore the gaping hole of loss in our hearts. But ignoring our pain is not healing. Healing comes from casting our cares on God and trusting Him to do the impossible in our lives.

Joseph’s healing didn’t need to occur only because of what happened to him, but also because of who inflicted the pain. His own brothers. It would have been better if they were strangers. It wouldn’t sting so bad had it not been the very people he grew up with, and shared life with. This pain Joseph carried was deep. And he carried that rejection and betrayal with him even to the palace.

If we’re not careful, we’ll also carry the pain of our past into each season of our lives if we ignore it. We’ll start to see life through the lense of rejection and pain and it will distort how we view life and others if we’re not intentional to release the pain of offense. And the first step to do that, is to weep.

I had a dream a few weeks ago where God was telling me to forgive someone. In the dream I was surprised because I thought I had already forgiven them. But right before I released the unforgiveness in my heart, a deep dark sense of sorrow fell so heavy on me I couldn’t even keep my head up. It was so heavy it knocked the wind out of me and then I let out a deeper and loud wail. 

I woke up so confused but as I sought God about the dream, He revealed that I needed to mourn what was lost before I could completely forgive. And so do you. And so did Joseph. 

You may be asking, why cry, and mourn and expend all that energy when it can’t change what happened? You may think my tears can’t change the past. That’s true, your tears can’t change your past but they can change you. 

When we are honest with God about our pain, we can lay our burdens at his feet and give them up to him. We don’t have to carry it around with us anymore. We don’t have to live defensively, cold or closed off because we were hurt causing us to block out the good God wants to bless us with. Our tears release the pressure building up in us from offense and free us from its trap.

The lie of offense says, it wasn’t that bad, you’re ok, it didn’t hurt that bad. But what good is it to lie to yourself? The Bible says love rejoices in the truth (1 Corinthians 13:6) even if that truth is painful.

What does that look like? It looks like crying out to God. Taking Him every hurt we’ve acquired. Allowing Him to see all our scars and wounds. When you go to the doctor and need their help, the first thing you do is tell them everywhere it hurts. The doctor wants to know the details of our pain to help them make a proper diagnosis and course of action for healing. God is our doctor, and if we want to let Him into our hearts to receive His healing we need to tell Him where it hurts.

We have to realize brokenness is not weakness. Brokenness is a part of living in this fallen world. No one is example from pain or hurt and ignoring your brokenness does not make you strong. You know what’s strong? Admitting your weakness, taking it to God and holding on to the promise that it is in our weakness that God’s power is then made strong in us. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

And that’s why I believe Joshua was able to forgive his brothers. He took his tears to God, trusted God with his pain and received the power of God to surrender to God’s plan despite what plan His brothers had.

2. Surrender to God

Which leads to the next step Joseph teaches us that we must take to find healing through forgiveness and that is surrender to God.

Now imagine the emotion in today’s text. Joseph’s brothers finally come to him asking for his forgiveness. I wander if Joseph dreamed of this moment. When he was in the pit wishing his brothers would come back, daydreaming in prison if his brothers regretted this mistake that caused him so much pain. Asking himself in slavery if they even cared. And now, here they are not only admitting the evil they have caused him, not only asking for his fortunes, but even more bowing down to him just as it was in the dream he had. The dream he shared with them that fueled their jealousy and hatred for him so much so they wanted him dead but settled for selling him into slavery.

Not this is the point in the movies where the protagonist says “I told you so” or “how dare you ask me for anything after all you took from me” or better yet “off with their heads”. Joseph had the power to say and do all of that. Instead his response is:

Joseph is saying, who am I to judge you. Even with all the power he held and all the authority that had been given to him, and now this power over his brothers, Joseph still surrendered to God. 

The Bible makes it clear that our forgiveness from God is connected to our forgiveness of others. ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:14-15‬ says:

Ephesians 4:32 reminds us:

Colossians 3:13 confirms:

Who are we to hold forgiveness from others when God so graciously forgives us. Are we greater than God? In Joseph’s words, are we in the place of God? The answer is no. 

As we submit to God, not only do we follow His command to forgive, we follow his example also. Jesus while was being crucified on the cross said this of those who were actively torturing Him:

God is not asking us to do something He has not done himself. And he not asking us to forgive those who hurt us to harm us but to free us. 

In today’s text Joseph’s brothers were afraid when their father died and thought that Joseph would turn on them and repay them for all the evil they caused him. So they lied to Joseph and told him that their father asked Joseph to forgive them. They were appealing to Joseph’s love for his father to motivate his forgiveness. But Joseph was not motivated by his earthy father but his Heavenly Father to forgive. God wants to motivate you to forgive as well. To set you free and help you on a path of healing. When we trust God with the matter, we don’t have to hold on to past hurts and pain. We can then trust His will to make it right in His way and in His time. Romans 12:21 tells us:

We are not called to repay evil but to overcome it. Surrendering to God and seeking Him for the power to forgive is how we overcome evil instead of succumbing to it.  Finally Joseph explains to his brothers why he is able to forgive them. He says:

No amount of evil done to you can overtake the good God has for you. At this moment, Joseph sees this clearly. When we surrender to God and let Him write our story, we realize that even in the worst of situations, God’s good purposes prevail. This is why we are called more than conquerors. (Romans 8:37) This is why no weapon formed against us will prevail. (Isaiah 54:17)

Some of us are holding on to unforgiveness because we feel the person that hurt us has the final say. In believing this we give our offender more power than they actually have.

People will hurt you, harm you and betray you. People will waste your time but they can never waste your purpose. No one can take away the eternal gifts and plans that God has in store for you. For this reason we can find the strength like Joseph to release those who offend us.

3. Release the Offense 

First Joshua grieved his loss, then he submitted to God, and finally he released the offense. True forgiveness is achieved when we give up our right to receive what’s owed to us. And this is where we receive true freedom, because without release we’re always mad when we see that person, we’re always upset when we think of the situation, we can’t even speak to or about the person or say their name. Do you see how in this situation the offense has control over us. Instead of living free in Christ our actions and feelings are in bondage to offense.

We release the offense when we settle in our hearts that our offender does not owe us anything. We don’t need them to feel bad, we don’t need them to say sorry. We don’t need them to miss us, want us, need us, think highly of us or think of us at all. It doesn’t mean they should not do some of those things, but we’re not waiting for them to do right or do anything really before we can move on. Because here’s the even more freeing truth, our unforgivness was not going to make them do right anyway, so we might as well release the offense. If they change, if they say sorry that’s icing on the cake but we’re not holding our breath because Jesus didn’t die on the cross to set us free of our sins just so we could live in the bondage and trap of offense.

Now, releasing an offense takes humility. It takes giving up and letting of of what you may deserve. But like I said before, Jesus is not asking us to do anything He did not do himself.

If Jesus can lay down His rights (Philippians 2:6-7), so can I. In fact, Jesus laid down His rights so that I could pick up the power I need to live free, even in this fallen world. Joseph didn’t need his brother's apology, he didn’t need them to bow down to him. He had truly released the offense so he could freely and sincerely forgive them. 

Joseph didn’t just forgive his brothers but he blessed them. You know you have truly released a matter if you can bless your enemy and not curse them.

Now blessing our enemy doesn’t mean to entertain toxic or abusive relationships. Even when you forgive someone you need healthy boundaries to honor the life God has entrusted to you. But blessing your enemy could look like praying for them, hoping the best for them or simply wishing no ill will on them. 

Joseph blessed his brothers by providing for them and their children. Then he went even further and was kind to them and comforted them. It reminds me of 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 that says:

The same comfort God gave to Joseph all those years in slavery and prison he is now giving to his brothers. You can’t give what you don’t have. Which is why my first point was to grieve, pour out our hearts to God so His healing can take place in our hearts. We can’t truly forgive as God calls us to forgive if we haven’t received His forgiveness and healing.

It is with God’s comfort that we can comfort others. As God blesses us, we can then bless others.

Joseph’s blessing his brothers was important. This reconciliation was important. These 12 brothers would form the 12 tribes of Israel who would raise generation after generation of God’s people ultimately leading to the birth of Jesus Christ who would bring forgiveness to the world. 

Your forgiveness doesn’t only affect you but even generations to come.

We’ve learned why forgiveness is important and 3 important steps to take to forgive: grieve the loss, surrender to God, and release the offense.

Before I close I want to leave you with 2 final reminders about forgiveness.

First, Forgiveness takes time. If this study has reminded you of an offense you need to release that’s great! God is starting you on a journey toward freedom through forgiveness but it does not happen overnight. You may feel like you’ve forgiven someone one day and something the next day triggers a memory and you get upset again and need to forgive again. It’s a process and takes time but it’s a journey we can trust God walks every step with us. Decide for forgive in your mind and pray that God helps your heart and emotions to follow. He is faithful.

Second, forgiveness takes God. We just can do it without Him and praise God we don’t have to. I encourage you to pray, pray, and pray some more. You have access to the very power of God to help you do things you never imagined and to find freedom you’ve only dreamed of. 

God bless you. Thank you for watching and until next time, be beautiful, be blessed and beloved.